Man oh man finals – RL

Holy shit Rasamis,

I’m so pooped! Been up all night doing finals homework, quizzes , and essays. I am not even done yet. I got about 8 more pages to do. I am super tired, but I know after this I am going to be so stress free I might even float all the way up to you to give you a giant hug.

P.S. I’m seeing random shit like I’m crazy. I think I’m becoming delusional.

Saw the ex, felt your presence again. 

Hey love, a lot more random lady bugs lately, a lot more random chills and I’m pretty sure Sydney can see you. Sometimes I feel like you’re playing with Sydney. I just smile while Sydney is running around randomly looking at the air. 

I miss you though, not having you around is like not having a piece of myself. I can’t let my self loose because I’m scared people will judge me. But with you around, I feel like I can do whatever and I’d be accepted… because you’d accept me in the end. 
I went to a party today. Ran into my ex Lyly. You know what’s sad is that she gave up so easily to support me while you were dying. She gave up when I said one sentence out of pure emptiness. When I truly wanted to be alone, I told her just leave me. And she did. She even erased me from existence in her own mind. She probably didn’t even know who I was at the party, nor cared. I at least would’ve had the courtesy to say her name. Instead when I ran into her, she called me “man”. At least it wasn’t boy, that’s always good.

I know she hates me inside and out, it’s not because she hates me. It’s because I made her hate me. I loved Rasamis the way she wanted me to love her. It was just not the same kind of love. Rasamis was older, she knew what she wanted in life. She wanted me. Lyly on the other hand didn’t even know what she really wanted. Didn’t even know if she wanted to follow god. Didn’t even know if she really loved me as she cheated on me 3 times. Why I took her back every time? I can only say that I loved her, in a forgiving and unconditional way. To her it wasn’t enough, it wasn’t enough attention. She thinks I never truly loved her. I did though. And only “god& angels” know my pain I had to endure as she repeatedly hurt me. 

Anyways. I miss you baby, I hope heaven is way cooler than here. 
When I travel I will be thinking of you. Especially at every waterfall. 

Love yours truly, ūüôā

Hope, with a little bit of guidance.

So Rasamis has been showing up a little bit more lately. With that a lot of fortunate events have happened as well. For once in a long time I don’t feel the heavy weight I usually have.

Good things like me separating the air force with high year tenure full separation pay. That equates to about 20k along with my 40k that i already have and over 70k in assets. Not only that i get to have base access so not going to LA fitness is a big plus as well.

Im super excited to leave the military in march 2nd… The plan is to go on vacation and travel everywhere. I still have stressers though and they are mainly house and car stuff. Everything else is kind of… not really stressing.

I can’t wait to start filming again, that being said I’m¬†really behind on my vlog editing. I wont be taking school during my vacation. Hell who knows if i will even survive nature’s beasts.

I’ve been spending way too much money lately though. I need to start selling almost everything I own.

Thats all for  updates I guess.

Heart is being stepped on my love – R.L

Hey dear,

I don’t feel too good today. I’ve had so much ups and downs, headaches, and heart aches. I need to let go of all feelings and emotional doubt. I wish you were here so I didn’t have to deal with it. I wish it was all just a bad dream. I need you so bad right now. Nicole is great shes an amazing friend. She gives me that emotional support. I am missing intimate support and physical support. Which I soon turned back to Vyvian. Years and years I come back to her every time to only feel betrayed and hurt. I wish it wasn’t this way. I wish I never came back to her. I need to stop expecting that people will take me back into their lives with no questions asked. What is this life. I want to run away. I want to just disappear. I hate it it must be the pills. I ran out of anxiety pills today, First day in 40 days I haven’t had welbutrin. I feel so anxious it’s really killing me. I wish I could be hugged. I wish.. I wish so many things. Taking zero actions upon anything or overly reacting to the smallest things. I want to be , I can be…. ¬†normal. I just need guidance, please Rasamis take me back into your arms even if its just angel arms, spirit arms. I need calamity, I want peace. Show me how, teach me ¬†even if it’s just a little.

I love you,

Please have mercy on my heart please.

Here is a pic I took of Nicole… it was an amazing day, I just wish it was like this everyday.

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I slept 23 hours today – R.L.

dsc04228Hey love,

Wish you were here to toss me off my bed or beat me up when I didn’t wake up and stuff. I know you’d find some way to wake me up. Life is falling apart again. I stopped working out, and I think that is causing most of my motivational losses. I lost about 6 pounds which normally takes me a month or two to gain. I’ve ran away into my state of games again, where I just play games to zone out the important things in my life. I even signed up for classes again, and I cant even imagine how I’ll be able to pull this one off. I barely was able to pass my business statistics class. Rasamis Lee, as much as I want you back in this world, I need you more than ever. I need you to help me back on my feet because I feel exactly the same as last year while you were going through cancer.

I’m going to try to do as many things as I can today, stop playing games. Do things that are important. The only thing I can do now is just try to live life as you would have if you survived¬†through your cancer.

Love you.

It snowed today… -R.L.

Hey love,

It snowed today!! I wonder if you ever played in snow… I’m¬†sure you have but i know you would be just as excited as me. Living in California we live our lives without much experiences. We are sheltered by misconceptions of reality, to the point of being scared of existence.

Last year at this time… you were still alive. Texting me, complaining about how much chemotherapy sucks. As much as i hated hearing it, I would trade anything to rather hear you complain than not hear you anymore…

A lady bug aye? -R.L.

Hey love,

Got attacked by a lady bug in my house while I was feeling down a couple days ago. I figured it was you, so I went ahead and googled lady bug occurrences and death of a loved one. It seems to be  pretty popular occurrence.

 

Been taking a lot of pictures lately. I sure do miss you. It’s new years now and I can just think of how much fun we would’ve had together. I learned that you’re supposed to kiss your love at new years.. I have yet to experience that.

I’ve never been good at continuing a relationship passed the point of attraction for too long, but I know I could’ve done it with you. Sadly my life has been lonely, but its mainly because I don’t take dating seriously anymore. I just want to skip to the love part, but i know that’s not how the world works these days… at least it shouldn’t.

I’ve been up and down mostly because we were supposed to spend the New Years together last year. I didn’t even think about it… that you would leave everyone just to be with my for new years… You must’ve really loved me. We were supposed to go to Lights All Night in Dallas… It would’ve been amazing to have been able to rave with you. I wish you didn’t get diagnosed at all and just spent the last days of your life with me.

Enough sad venting for today. Love you!!!

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A Couple Thoughts РR.L. 

I was just wondering… I really wonder, what were you thinking about when I called you that day. When you told your aunt that you couldn’t talk, when you gave your last smile, when it was the last time you had your eyes open. What did you think of me, you told everyone I was just your friend from Arkansas. Sometimes I wonder if I was even important enough in your life to be worth telling people. I know your heart was the reason you didn’t live… but I know, even now I would’ve gave you my heart if it meant you’d live. You know what’s funny, my heart is starting to do the same thing yours was doing. Sometimes I’d forget to breathe.. sometimes my heart would just stop and I’d stop breathing all together… until I realize and gasp for air.  I have to remind myself to breathe lately. I miss you, I just wish you knew how much I really did love you. 

I was just reading… – r. l. (Maina)

my book called The Depression Cure by Stephen Ilardi as I sat on a plane.Waiting for the pilots to finish their preparations to fly the plane, the pilot decides comes over… looking excited he asked what book I was reading. I could tell that he loved to read books. I flip it over only to see a momentary blank stare on his face. He regained composure within five seconds. He played his blank state off by changing the subject, talking about how he doesn’t have time to read books so he uses audio books while he drives. “That’s good,” he said. I assumed it was him referring to my book. Inside I can feel that I wanted to burst out and tell him everything. Tell him how I feel, tell him how the world is crushing down on me. I stopped though, I have to control myself… not everyone wants to hear these things. Avoidance of depression is one of the best ways to not get it. 

Everyday is like this, how I can’t relieve myself , I am forced to hold onto my chains. As they choke me from inside, I can’t breathe as though my heart has stopped beating. What I would do to have a glimpse of you, a smile, but we all know this isn’t a fairytale. I must understand that life doesn’t stop when you’re gone. That I must keep going no matter how hard it may seem. No matter if I feel like death is more worthy than living. I must keep going… and it’s the small things like a sunset that keeps me going… I miss you Rasamis Lee. 

Back at square one or is it my mind that’s back at square one – RL

Hey my love… Somedays I forget what it’s like to be wrapped up in your arms..I feel sad without the memory sometimes. It doesn’t feel right to be sad without a reason or even a reason to be sad.

I feel alone most of the times… All I really have left is Shy.. I sleep 12 Hrs, and then repeat the cycle.

I am not sure what I am missing, a feeling of accomplishment maybe. Anyways… the more I do the less I feel like it has any affect on my overall depression.

Sometimes I feel like I just need to take off like a bird and just conquer the world.. but where do I start.

Work has me tied up, games has me incubated, and sleep has me losing weight.

I need to help myself before it’s too late. I just wish you were here to slap me in the face every morning till I got myself together. I miss you.