Uncategorized _ Traveling is not what I expected _

Thinking is like a bomb, and this bomb’s fuse is missing.  My brain cannot fathom it’s own fuse to create anymore. A little like dreaming a black curtain waving back and forth, never to reveal its secrets. My memory is but a faded glass, as I get older… the more smothered and dissonant it becomes.

Traveling has been not what I expected. No one is able to keep my mind off of things. And the girl I had once feelings for back at home has already moved on back to her own past.  In reality, I was really nothing to her just an object to chase. I already knew that was the case, I felt it in her lips as I kissed her before I left. She was in a hurry, but she knew it would be a long time before she would see me. She gave me a short kiss. That only meant one thing, bitter sweet good bye. I am okay with it, and she already planned it. No need to feel certain ways with people that you may never see again, or think about again. She is distant, just like my faded memories, and she is creating more dissonance.

Traveling has not been what I expected. I am sitting here on a bunk bed right where Raz would have laid if she were still alive, but we don’t think about that stuff. I can feel it in the air around the family, every time we eat, every time we are all together. They are thinking about Raz, they are thinking about how happy she would be to enjoy all this food… with her family… and with me. How happy would I be? That is something no one cares about until you’re dead. How do you feel?

Traveling has not been what I expected.   I’ve been trying to help my father get sorted out with his health care and life insurance. I even tried to get him to drink more water. I haven’t heard from him in 5 days… I don’t call him, and he never calls me unless he’s about to die. So, I am sure he would’ve called me by now… nothing to worry about.  Anyways, his condition is getting worse and his ghetto pharmacy pill count is doubling and tripling every week. For all I know he could be taking up to 8-12 Advils a day now. His liver would give up way before his heart would. This coronary heart bypass surgery may be too much for his pessimistic mind. He may end up suicide after it. He cannot live a day without working… Since there is no one to love , socialize, or take care of my dad. He doesn’t know anything but work. I wish I could have been there for him earlier, but it would’ve set me back so far, I would probably still be homeless. It sucks to be selfish in these times, but it is a necessity for my own survival and my own happiness.

I just wish you were here Raz, someone to vent to, give me constructive feedback, run away with, watch sunsets with, and get fat with. I think my dad would love to live, if he had met you in person, and if you were still alive of course. I showed him a video of you and I… the one of us in Dallas… To my surprise he couldn’t stop watching it.. I guess because I’ve seen it so many times I know what is coming up… but he was just glued on it. It wasn’t my greatest video creation but it was still something. It’s almost like he was entranced by my creation, that i was able to produce something, and create a happy aura that projects out of the screen and into his own brain. Maybe he was trying to understand how happy I must’ve been with her.

I miss you, sometimes I can’t wait to see you.

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Table “top” Mountain – Oroville, CA

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