Saw the ex, felt your presence again. 

Hey love, a lot more random lady bugs lately, a lot more random chills and I’m pretty sure Sydney can see you. Sometimes I feel like you’re playing with Sydney. I just smile while Sydney is running around randomly looking at the air. 

I miss you though, not having you around is like not having a piece of myself. I can’t let my self loose because I’m scared people will judge me. But with you around, I feel like I can do whatever and I’d be accepted… because you’d accept me in the end. 
I went to a party today. Ran into my ex Lyly. You know what’s sad is that she gave up so easily to support me while you were dying. She gave up when I said one sentence out of pure emptiness. When I truly wanted to be alone, I told her just leave me. And she did. She even erased me from existence in her own mind. She probably didn’t even know who I was at the party, nor cared. I at least would’ve had the courtesy to say her name. Instead when I ran into her, she called me “man”. At least it wasn’t boy, that’s always good.

I know she hates me inside and out, it’s not because she hates me. It’s because I made her hate me. I loved Rasamis the way she wanted me to love her. It was just not the same kind of love. Rasamis was older, she knew what she wanted in life. She wanted me. Lyly on the other hand didn’t even know what she really wanted. Didn’t even know if she wanted to follow god. Didn’t even know if she really loved me as she cheated on me 3 times. Why I took her back every time? I can only say that I loved her, in a forgiving and unconditional way. To her it wasn’t enough, it wasn’t enough attention. She thinks I never truly loved her. I did though. And only “god& angels” know my pain I had to endure as she repeatedly hurt me. 

Anyways. I miss you baby, I hope heaven is way cooler than here. 
When I travel I will be thinking of you. Especially at every waterfall. 

Love yours truly, 🙂

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