Hey love, venting to you today… hope you don’t mind.
Being alone is okay, but having to have the burden of my mother is not. Growing up as an only child felt normal. However it’s taking a toll on me now. My mom keeps calling me, saying stuff that worries me. She is saying that she’s going to get arrested for asking money on the streets. I don’t understand. How can anyone with my moms genius of a brain become some numb and inefficient to life. Gods wasted gift if you must. Why did she have to get schizophrenia. Why did my dad have to become so engulfed in his self misery and pity. Why does it linger on to me. Their sadness. I don’t get it. Why do I have to carry their weight and sorrow then try to live my own fucked up life. I mean it’s not completely fucked up, but it feels like it’s falling apart. It’s probably cause I don’t have anyone to talk to. Or anyone who would understand. No one has the problems I have. Only you Rasamis Lee had any idea… only you could understand my pain. With you gone from this world… who is there to understand me. Even if I die alone… I rather have someone there with me to understand me as I die. I don’t know. I carry so much pain and sorrow on my shoulders it’s hard to move. In fact I’m not even moving. How come I can’t just let everything go. Just say fuck it to the world. Say fuck worrying about my mom, or if I my dad is going to die randomly out of nowhere. I don’t even think I’d even shed a tear from either of them. I am emotionally discounted from my family. I haven’t even seen my dad in almost three years. I don’t even want to see him. Yeah he raised me. Cared for me, but I rather have lived in a foster home my whole life. I want to help others yet I can’t even help myself. I want to become someone yet can’t see anything in me… I don’t know what I want from life. I want to be happy. The only time I ever was happy was with you, and even when seeing my mom it wasn’t as bad. I don’t understand… I want to wake up and forget all my stress, worries, bad memories. I don’t know why I hold on so tightly to the worst parts of my life… or the pain I’ve felt. I always thought these things motivated me. Yet here I am sad, confused, upset, and alone. What’s life if you aren’t happy.