Another dream…

Hey love… I had another dream. I don’t know if you are mad at me right now… I woke up crying so hard. As hard as when you passed away. It hurt me so much when I was dreaming. It hurt as me as much as the pain I had thought you felt as you were going through cancer. There was a point in time where we argued to the point we were both done. I had deleted social media of you…. we were always so mad. I was always fighting and so were you. We had different battles. The pain I felt in my dream was so undeniably horrible. It was the pain you felt when you thought I never loved you. The pain you felt when we argued. The pain you felt when I never came to see you as you lived your last months. 

The dream was about us….. it was the same except you came home. You had only about 60 days to live. I came and stayed with you… every moment.. the only difference was that this time you no longer loved me or had a desire to talk to me. The pain was overwhelming. No matter what I did or what I tried. You didn’t care…. I wanted to do everything for you… anything. It never happened and the ending turns to darkness as I wake up confused, hurt, and in pain. 

Is this the pain I left you? How can I help but blame myself for all the pain I caused? It hurt so much… just the pain alone made me no longer want to live… is this the reason you gave up? So many answers I could never find out. 

The one thing I regret the most is that I couldn’t show you how much I loved you. 

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