Angry ish. – R. L.

Hey love,

I stepped on your photo today, not on purpose…

Because my roommate decided to make a lingerie shoot down stairs using my futon… The futon had all kinds of stuff on it more things than you can imagine… and they just dumped it all on the floor. Not to mention pictures of you just laying on the dirty floor.

They didn’t even ask for permission, to use anything I owned. They just used it, and then proceeded to disregard the obvious signs of protection for the white backdrop.. There is glass and vinyl walkways for a reason… so that you don’t have to step all over the cotten and let it suck in all the dirt from your shoes, socks, and whatever else..

I later found your photo under my shoe….

I slammed my desk super hard with my fist.. I was scared I was going to break it… So I slammed it near the railing instead of down the middle. I’m glad I was able to think in that split milliseconds. Then instead of breaking tables I decided to just throw stuff around instead but it made things worse as I felt things were breaking. I then gained even more anger as things were breaking… So I just got really frustrated and punched the wall… knowing that it was going to break and I would need to repair it.

I haven’t ever been this angry in a long time. Maybe it was just because I stepped on a picture of you.

Whatever the case I wish you were here to hold me and tell me to calm down. If there is one thing on earth that would calm me down it was your voice and hugs… I know for a fact you would’ve been laughing at me the entire time.

 

Stress hasn’t been on my side lately… now that I have school…

To top it off there’s other things that just make it worse and worse…

Court stuff that i need to get signed with proof for the motor scam I had which i’ve been fighting for almost two years now…

School, this mess my room mates made… the mess they made down stairs… the dirt all over the back drop, the hole in the wall, my bleeding numb hand, my hair that needs a cutting, ALS school for the military coming up, going to mental health… Maybe its because I stopped taking Effexor depression pills that my anxiety and anger has spiked… who knows.

All the bike parts that were laid out perfectly so that I would know how to put them back together once I bought bike parts for it… all pushed around and mixed around for some stupid ass lingerie shoot for a girl who can’t even decide if she needs a fuck buddy or a new man as she is recently going through her divorce… oh not to mention she has to be a role model for her two kids which are also girls… I don’t know if she’s considered a role model as well since she barely takes care of herself…. lord have mercy on her.

Being too nice has its defects of course… people stop asking you, and start doing whatever they want… They think that anything they do is fine and dandy… like let me shit all over your front yard it’s not like you have grass anyways ( figure of speech), as an example.

I’m not even mad at anyone in particular… I’m mad at myself… that I am stuck in this limbo within myself that for which I feel so alone. I gave everything to the woman I loved the most, and now I have nothing else to give back to myself. I’m pooped, and I have barely hit possibly the halfway point in my life…

I wish my life was simple, but I can’t be simple when you want everything in the world… You want to experience it all… I wish that you would come back and help me prioritize my life.

I can hardly think half the days…I’m held together by my optimistic mindset, yet tortured by my lack of motivation.

My mother has schizo, my dad is living day by day barely surviving working harder than a man of 25 years old as he is peaking his  late 50s.

My love dies, I lose everything, everyone, I am swallowed by pessimistic thoughts yet here I am… in the military struggling to go back to school, struggling to gain some weight. So that I may hopefully find a girl who would respect as much as Rasmis did. I can barely wake up in the morning, and some days I wish I would sleep forever. How can I be so full of negativity, when I have felt all the negativity the world has to offer… death, pain, lonesome, starvation, illness, and inevitable stress.

If there was some thing in the world that can fix all of this it would be to not care about money, to not care about ego, to not care about my dues to people, not about the dreams instilled in me, to not care about anyone, to live some simplistically i’m hardly living. What is living if I no longer feel anything from these medications… What will I do when I feel like I have nothing to live for anymore… Do I just give up ? Sometimes in the end… no one really does care. Selfish or not there is no point of ending short. Why waste your life stuck in an office dreaming of doing something else…. or fix an airplane wishing to be happy for the rest of your life… and by the time you realize what is needed to make yourself happy it’s too late and years are wasted… You may be incapable of pursuing your goals now… your dreams… your happiness.

I once found my happiness, and it was to help others… The more I help… the more they take advantage of me and the more helpless I end up feeling… empty.. confused.

 

Picture 1

Here you can see the hole above my thumb.. its not a big one but I have zero experience in patching walls let alone making holes in walls.

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