I wrote this to you 3 days before you passed away in my journal. During this time you were nonresponsive and in the ICU. I knew that time was slipping away. At this moment I wanted to freeze time. To come to you and somehow be there with you before your last breaths.
There are not enough words to explain what you mean to me. I have always been scared to show weakness, to show my emotions. I fear as though something may take advantage of my weakness. I know now that holding all this in and being selfish brings nothing but burden to your heart. I’m sorry… I have decided that I must change to show my love … to you… to others, and especially myself. I’m sorry it took me this long… Please live, so that I may show you… Please live.
There are a lot of things in this world I have no emotion towards. Even visualizing my mothers death does not hurt me as much as a young spirited soul like you leaving. It just may seem too early for any of this honestly. There are times I wish I could go with you, start over with you in some different dimension.
It must be silly to dwindle on the past, to recollect feelings of the happiest times of my life. It must be shameful to think that my life even though stressful will never be as complete as when you were in it.
We didn’t need years together we only needed days, hours. With you every second felt like centuries that embed into my mind, weaved intwine like a spinning web of human thread.
Oh I really miss you…
I’ve made some changes in my eating and sleep lifestyle to accommodate the dreams I want to accomplish to feel some sort of closure with you.
My current goals are as follows:
-Start Vlogging – Personal / fitness/ about losing someone to cancer/ chasing dreams /
-Finish bachelors next years / Attend Stanford MBA /
-Sell all the things I don’t need which would take months unless I sold everything for dirt cheap.
-Start going out on adventures more, even if it’s by myself.
That’s all I got for today… Somedays I feel like I don’t even know what to talk about, to talk to you about. That’s what I feared the most, and that’s why I hardly called you during your chemo. I was scared, but in reality I wish I called. Even if we didn’t talk… I would have really enjoyed knowing that you were there on the other side, knowing that you were still hanging on.
Your sad panda.