I miss you as soon as I stop doing something – RL

DSC01022Babe!!!!!!!!!

I feel so sad right now. Either because I feel so much regret that I didn’t visit you, or that I regret not showing more affection. I feel like sometimes I just didn’t give you enough. I was never enough. I can’t help but feel at fault all the damn time. I’m glad you had your family to help you…

If I had cancer I wouldn’t a single person come visit me after the first week… I probably would’ve just given up you know. Everyday I wish you would just come back to me. But I don’t know it doesn’t feel real that you’re gone it doesn’t. I wish you’d just call me and tell me how shitty chemo is again.

-Next morning-

I slept 14 hrs again. It really must be the fact that my room is so dark. I think I’m going to get one of those UV light thingies to help me wake up. I never had this problem before but I can really tell that it is the product of my room having a small window.

-few hours later-

I’ve been a train wreck, i keep hallucination, having sleep paralysis, and hearing voices.

I don’t think I’m going crazy I think my body is just out of sync.

Anyways when I visited my mom she kept saying dont cry and then she would cry when we talked about you. It was really cute and sad at the same time. I told her that you were her daughter.

It’s hard to think right now but I’m just trying to be productive. My whole house is a mess and I wish you were just in the background dancing while I cleaned. Then after I finish cleaning we can go hit up a water fall and swim in it or something. Even though your sister said you can’t swim i still think its funny because we’ll both be drowning and stuff haha!!

Oh yeah, check out my photo shoot of Molly! I wish I could’ve shot you more.. She said you guys were really close maybe because you both really needed to go out and live life.

Love you boo.

 

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