Hey my lovely,
Today was a special day, but it was only the beginning of a special day. It was full of sadness and a little bit of happiness.
I traveled up and down some mall to find a tie or shirt, but ended up at express buying two ties that I thought you would love.
Drove 3-4 hrs from SJ to Oroville to make it to your funeral. Usually when people think of funeral… its full of grieving. I tried to come in there with a full heart and positivity but it was definitely harder than I had originally thought.
It was full.. packed to the door, I felt lost without you. Your mother had found me… she had the face that you knew was heart breaking. She gave me a really long hug, it made me tear up… It was really hard meeting your mother without you. I knew you were there though hugging us both as we hugged. It was long and warm, and we shared the pain of you leaving equally.
I sat in the back because I didn’t want anyone to see me cry if the feels came through… which they eventually did. Although I couldn’t understand anyone that was speaking hmong i knew that their hearts were torn. I met your sisters for the first time, molly, and your two brothers. I didn’t even know you had two brothers. I thought you only had one. My oh my what a gigantic family.
As I met all your family members it seemed as though no one had any idea who I was at all. It actually hurt me, but I knew that you didn’t want to make it public to anyone until you were 100% positive that I was down to ride with you till the end.
There were no pictures of us… well there was one. One was enough. You were in a closed casket as well. And your sister made an amazing video of all your pictures and past videoes. It was amazing because I got to see you in a different light, in your happiest environment and that was the same as mine… making others happy.
We are so alike and the more I learn about you I understood why we were so good together. You are exactly like my other half, the person I’ve been waiting for my whole life. I wanted to do a speech, but I couldn’t really handle it. I wasn’t ready.
While your video played your mother came to me… she saw elizabeth crying… She really did care for you a lot too and it was because you were one of the only people who would sacrifice so much for someone that you barely knew. It meant so much to her that you would reach out to her and be so selfless. As your mom started watching the video she started crying heavily… I sat down with her and held her tight as we watched the video together. I couldn’t stop crying either. I held her for about 90% of the video. I knew that it would of been something wanted me to do.
Right then I understood that only your mother knew what we had been through together, all the stories we had together, and endless adventures we tried to fit into a couple of days together.
She really loved that I made you happy, and even though you called my your friend till the very end I just accepted it, and knew all that mattered was that we shared a bond like no other… That only we could understand. How we can just stare at each other in happiness without even having to say a word.
It was as though time froze… even when you’re gone it feels like time freezes when I feel your presence. My whole body trembled, shook, and went numb. You definitely were there… holding me, just like last time.
As the event dragged on, I was surprised to realize that no one knew who I was.. besides that I was your friend from Arkansas. I wanted to get up there and tell everyone… yell it out, tell them the truth, but I wasn’t ready. Then you Aunt that had talked to me on the phone right before you had gone into coma said “I have something to tell you.. it’s happy and sad”. I asked what is it?… She told me the day that I called… you were in the beginning of your collpased lungs… that you had picked up the phone… she had asked who it was and you said “it’s my friend thanh”. She said that you smiled as you handed her the phone and said that you will call me back later. Your aunt said… that I had your last smile..
I had heard it before… but I didn’t understand it before. It was then I knew what they meant by me having her last smile.
Having your last smile means the world to me even if you didn’t pronounce me as being more than a friend. Theoretically.. we were best friends.. past that stage, and fighting lovers.
I wasn’t even ready to talk to you in your casket. I didn’t want to feel like it was goodbye yet… I still have another day with you. And the amount of strain on my body to hold back my tears was unreal. I don’t even know how you did it when you had visitors crying at your side.
Life is one hell of a ride huh babe?
So I went back to your house… it was crazy because it felt like I talked to you the other day webcamming and seeing your neighborhood through my phone. Except now it felt like i had jumped through your phone and witnessed it for myself. It felt unreal, I felt scared, and alone to know that you weren’t there on the other side with me.
I kept pushing through though. It was like you were pushing me from my back to go into that house… to go straight to your mom and hug her. I felt that she was often confused that I had smiled a lot… I think she understood that the pain I felt was well hidden just like how you had hide it all those years. As time passed and people started leaving, I felt more comfortable at your home… meeting your sisters, and meeting other family members.
I just kept asking questions left and right to your sister Sarah, then Milo.. I kept getting smiles from Faye, I knew you loved her.. so I already felt like I loved her too. But there was something missing… and it was our promise together.. the toothbrush we had bought together which we used only once the day that we had met in person. I told you that I would keep your toothbrush, and you would keep mine. As long as we had this it meant that we were bonded forever. That I would keep it with me forever. I asked them where it was but they had no idea. They only heard you mention it, and your mom as well.
I was determined to find this toothbrush however your room was like a tornado of makeup and clothes gathered together more compact than a flee market. I had to dig.. I had to find it i told myself. I HAVE TO PUT IT IN YOUR CASKET i told myself… It would mean that my love for you will be with you forever, and that’s all I ever wanted… was to love you as much as I mentally and physically can.
I knew you would’ve married me in a heartbeat…
I miss and love you my Rasamis…. my friend.
p.s. I never found the toothbrush, I didn’t give up. I just had a feeling you had put it somewhere special in your heart aka the happiest things you ever had… someone who would love you unconditionally and your dog guardian.