Today is the day they let you go – RL

Hey my love…

Your sister Sarah just told me “just want to let you know that Dr can’t do nothing for ras no more…we are releasing her free today. Sorry you had to find out like this.”

It hasn’t hit me yet. I know I’m going to cry… I know I’m going to be in pain. I feel it coming. Yet it hasn’t hit me yet. It’s not a good thing that you’re leaving me. I knew there was a chance for you to not make it. I just didn’t think it’d be this soon. I miss you so much already. I didn’t even get to hold your hand while you went through this. In some ways it feels like I’m at fault. I really feel like a horrible person. I hate that we argued about the fact that I didn’t spend enough time communicating with you. I hate myself the most right now. The only thing I can be positive about is that you’re no longer going through all this pain. I don’t know what to do. I feel it more now as I’m writing, but I’m not sure if I should let myself get devoured by sorrow. It’s not what you would have wanted me to do. I know you want more from me, you expect more from me. I couldn’t even say I’m sorry for being a shitty boyfriend. I wish this was all a dream. I wish this was all a horrible fucking dream.

You had taught me many things about life… that I should never be in doubt, to strive go forward, to love and be free of evil, to never wait to see something through, to not be afraid because you only have one life, and it should not be left full of regret. Although I am filled with regret now, I promise to you that I will do everything in my power to not regret my decisions like I had while you were with me. Although I had done some stupid things in my life, I promise to be a better person to myself and to others.

You really loved to travel… to explore and feel one with nature. I never understood it, but I will go and bring you to as many places that I can possibly go. I just hope that you will follow me in your adventures. To help remind me when I slack off. To motivate me when I feel down. You are and always will be my inspiration.

Guess what? I’m about to watch Captain America. You’re the only person that knows my obsession with Chris Evans- no homo. It makes me miss you more. I remember when you first came to visit me. When you handed me my nerf gun after putting the go pro on my chest. I saw the Captain America stickers all over it. It made me so happy, you really are the best and I miss you. You’ve always done these little things, but I notice them. I really did wish you could watch the movie with me.

 

Love you,

Your love thanh.

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