I felt your presence today – RL

Hey my love,

I woke up today, it was extra hard. I almost wanted to not wake up so that I can possibly see you. It’s hard to eat, if you were here I’d wake up early just to make you breakfast. It’s crazy what love can do to you.

You know what one thing I think you would’ve loved? Riding on the back of my motorcycle. You can just hold on to me, look at the sky think about life together. And when we got into the mountains you can see all the nature surrounding us, the peacefulness of life that it contains.

I slept a lot today, it was hard to stay up. I can almost swear though I can feel you holding me at times. I can feel goosebumps only across my chest and arms, I could feel your arms wrap around my arms and holding tightly. I might be crazy but I know you’re there watching me keeping me from breaking down.

I do find it odd that I’ve yet to breakdown as I have been the prior days and weeks before you passed away. I feel like you’re holding me together somehow. Sometimes I feel crazy when I feel you near and I whisper into the air to speak to you. In some ways I feel like it keeps me sane.

Everytime I eat and everytime i smile, I think about you. I think about how you can be here smiling with me too. I can imagine you nodding your head around cause when you eat something good you like to dance. I can imagine you letting go of your self-esteem around me, letting out a full smile because you knew how much I loved you.

I put the picture of you holding onto a mit today because it’s Mother’s day. This was the day you met my schizo mom. Although she doesn’t recollect much about you, it made me happy that you were so excited to meet her and to experience her smiles with me. I’ll never forget how much we laughed that day. I’ll never forget how much you loved my mother, adored, and understood my pain. It wasn’t until later that you told me that your father had mental problems too. How you could love someone so much regardless of their state of mind. That’s when I knew you were the one, and it’s funny because this was only our 2nd day together.

I told her today that you had gone to a better place. I also told her that I wanted to marry you. She was heartbroken, she always wanted me to find love in someone. She wanted me to be happy, just as much as you wanted me to be happy.

I have so many things for you, and from you. I wish that I wasn’t such a bad boyfriend and had sent them to you. I just really thought there was more time, and that it would mean so much more if I had given them to you in person. You taught me that nothing in life will go as you planned, so you should always try and strive before it’s too late- before it turns into regret.

Everyday I miss you more and more, but I know that you wouldn’t want me to cry. You were like my wonder woman, and you always showed me how strong you really were. You always held back your tears to portray how strong you are, but I always knew deep down inside you just wanted to let it all out.

I know that my writings to you have been very sad and emotional, just know that when I can get a grip on reality again your memories will follow me on the adventures you’ve always wanted. (You might be in a picture frame though)

To my angel,

Love your weirdo.

 

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