Day 3 without you – RL

I never really thought that cancer can affect someone so dramatically. I always thought it was something that can be cured with enough will. Cancer seems to affect the person that is so pure when they least expect it. I never had been in love with someone quite as pure as you. Although I had neglected to see the truth, you are the one. The one I would love to spend my life with. The one I could not travel the world without. I never even got to see you during the fight of your life. The military had wrapped me in a cocoon of sadness, but my only happiness was infinitely fighting for her life whilst being as positive remodel in my life. How can I be so blind to see, distraught by judgement, and negativity. I knew that when I first met you, you were free. Free of debt to others, you believed in something that I had lost. The ability to see in others what people filled with egotistic vision cannot see. The ability to see the good in everyone. How could I have been so foolish to forget the meaning of life, and that selfishness only brings sadness around myself and others. I must be free. You wanted me to be free of my own chains and past, but I don’t want it to end like this. I need you… more than ever. This is the hardest time of my life I had ever faced… Harder than the days where my father had pointed a gun to his head, to my mother’s, and to mine. Harder than the countless days without food. Harder than the days of watching my mother get beat by my father night after night. How can I be so foolish to misunderstand my own morals- your morals. I love you, more than you’ll ever know. I had been distracted by my self-conscious and self-esteem issues to show you how much I really do love you, but now it may be too late. How can I live life knowing that I never held your hand within the 5 months of your fight against leukemia. How can I live life knowing that I felt too busy to call you. How can I live life… thinking that everything was okay, when in reality you had pretended to be okay the entire time. I can’t stop thinking about you… You haven’t left yet, but I already feel that you are watching over me waiting for a sign so that you may finally let go and be at peace. I’m not ready, I hope you aren’t ready to go either. Please stay… at least long enough to really say goodbye.

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