Today is the day they let you go – RL

Hey my love…

Your sister Sarah just told me “just want to let you know that Dr can’t do nothing for ras no more…we are releasing her free today. Sorry you had to find out like this.”

It hasn’t hit me yet. I know I’m going to cry… I know I’m going to be in pain. I feel it coming. Yet it hasn’t hit me yet. It’s not a good thing that you’re leaving me. I knew there was a chance for you to not make it. I just didn’t think it’d be this soon. I miss you so much already. I didn’t even get to hold your hand while you went through this. In some ways it feels like I’m at fault. I really feel like a horrible person. I hate that we argued about the fact that I didn’t spend enough time communicating with you. I hate myself the most right now. The only thing I can be positive about is that you’re no longer going through all this pain. I don’t know what to do. I feel it more now as I’m writing, but I’m not sure if I should let myself get devoured by sorrow. It’s not what you would have wanted me to do. I know you want more from me, you expect more from me. I couldn’t even say I’m sorry for being a shitty boyfriend. I wish this was all a dream. I wish this was all a horrible fucking dream.

You had taught me many things about life… that I should never be in doubt, to strive go forward, to love and be free of evil, to never wait to see something through, to not be afraid because you only have one life, and it should not be left full of regret. Although I am filled with regret now, I promise to you that I will do everything in my power to not regret my decisions like I had while you were with me. Although I had done some stupid things in my life, I promise to be a better person to myself and to others.

You really loved to travel… to explore and feel one with nature. I never understood it, but I will go and bring you to as many places that I can possibly go. I just hope that you will follow me in your adventures. To help remind me when I slack off. To motivate me when I feel down. You are and always will be my inspiration.

Guess what? I’m about to watch Captain America. You’re the only person that knows my obsession with Chris Evans- no homo. It makes me miss you more. I remember when you first came to visit me. When you handed me my nerf gun after putting the go pro on my chest. I saw the Captain America stickers all over it. It made me so happy, you really are the best and I miss you. You’ve always done these little things, but I notice them. I really did wish you could watch the movie with me.

 

Love you,

Your love thanh.

BDSM Entitlement

Hah, you know what? It’s hilarious I’m writing this. I had a plan as soon as I woke up, I guess this is just one thing I’d like to look back on and see how much I’ve changed. 

The mind is such a powerful thing. What you believe to feel good can actually feel good. And what you dislike.. well you can probably get over those too with enough mind power. However, for once in a long time I felt like my sexual skills meant nothing. I have never done insane amounts of foreplay, squirting, countless orgasms (or it was all fake who knows), and last for 2 hrs with barely a moment of dryness just to be told… “it was okay” (insert lying disappointed look here). 

She is a polyamorist, two girlfriends and boyfriend whom all seem to be the same. The only difference.. they get her, they have their own fetishes. Me… I have a couple fetishes. Some are probably more on the interestingly weird side. One of them is braces, I love fucking braces… no idea why. That shit just gets me so fucking hard for no reason. If she had rainbow ones… yeah, like fuck me please. 

Anyways, all day we had this chemical connection, I don’t think she realizes how much chemistry was involved. She openly tells everyone in the room how she is a cam girl and used to be a stripper. We all see pictures of her body in HD, and you know what? It turned me on. Her strapped up and hanging from the air suspended in time and most likely space. I can’t imagine what it would feel like , but I know for damn sure… this girl loves pain. The end of the first day at the con we are like magnets…. I guess it’s because I’m a third gemini(gemini c) and she’s a Aries Pisces cusp… which in fact is ideal for marriage as long as there is understanding or communication. We were walking back to the room so that we can smoke it up… she was all about being fucked up out of her mind which is probably due to her abusive relationships and most likely childhood rape and abuse as well. I didn’t mind…. but I did mind the little 18 year old following us because he heard we were going to smoke. No offense kid, you’re cool as fuck, but you’d have higher chances if you didn’t act like a lost duckling. We had to get rid of this kid and fast… I looked at her, her glossy eyes, half bitten lip, and heavy breathing everytime I looked straight into her eyes. She was ready, and I asked her how we would get rid of this kid as we were standing in front of families by the elevator. She said, ” just toss me against the wall and make out with me.” I laughed so fucking hard, and came to… I was now even more down for this girl, I grabbed her neck forcefully and we had our first kiss… lip biting sucking, we made out for maybe 15 seconds only to realize the disgust on moms’ eyes. We looked at each other and laughed, we were drunk out of our minds. But hey! We got rid of that darn kid.

It wasn’t until later… we were finally alone in the bedroom that was supposed to house 6 people with two full sized mattresses. I imedaitely grabbed her. I knew she liked it rough, I did tantric sex on her. Her clit was sensitive, I guess overly sensitive… if I had it my way I’d torture her clit as she was tied up while she tries to avoid the safe word. I did the works… everything I had… hair pulling, neck biting, ear nibbling, nipple squeezing, hipbone pressuring, butt hole rubbing, ass slapping, clit rubbing, Gspot grinding, dirty talking, heavy breathing, scratching, and doing all that in combination trying to find her buttons. She seemed to enjoy it all, as she got us a noise complaint. However, the ending… was something. She seemed out of it but not out of it… not as much as I had hoped. All her screaming, scratching biting, and orgasms. They were a only a fraction of what she really wanted. I had no idea, we didn’t talk about this, we didn’t plan a safe word. I didn’t know… I would’ve made her bleed or keep her on the edge of bleeding, bruising, and skin broken. She wanted pain, and I failed to see it. It took me “it was okay” to realize my mistake. 

You see… I’m a pleaser, and she’s the submissive one. However, I never had a girl that wanted to be dominated in such a way. I had no idea what to do. If I could do it all over… I wanted to be her best or at least close to it. I did not study, learn, and repeatedly experiment to only be told she wasn’t satisfied. No fuck that. I want her barely able to move when we were done. I want everyone to see what I did to her. I want her to know, I’m not fucking around. 

I later learned though, you can’t win them all. And it takes defeat to fully understand something. Now I know, and I want more. I want to experience it. And we still have a chemical connection. I guess she’ll just have to wait and see , until next time when I run into her again. 

Uncategorized _ Traveling is not what I expected _

Thinking is like a bomb, and this bomb’s fuse is missing.  My brain cannot fathom it’s own fuse to create anymore. A little like dreaming a black curtain waving back and forth, never to reveal its secrets. My memory is but a faded glass, as I get older… the more smothered and dissonant it becomes.

Traveling has been not what I expected. No one is able to keep my mind off of things. And the girl I had once feelings for back at home has already moved on back to her own past.  In reality, I was really nothing to her just an object to chase. I already knew that was the case, I felt it in her lips as I kissed her before I left. She was in a hurry, but she knew it would be a long time before she would see me. She gave me a short kiss. That only meant one thing, bitter sweet good bye. I am okay with it, and she already planned it. No need to feel certain ways with people that you may never see again, or think about again. She is distant, just like my faded memories, and she is creating more dissonance.

Traveling has not been what I expected. I am sitting here on a bunk bed right where Raz would have laid if she were still alive, but we don’t think about that stuff. I can feel it in the air around the family, every time we eat, every time we are all together. They are thinking about Raz, they are thinking about how happy she would be to enjoy all this food… with her family… and with me. How happy would I be? That is something no one cares about until you’re dead. How do you feel?

Traveling has not been what I expected.   I’ve been trying to help my father get sorted out with his health care and life insurance. I even tried to get him to drink more water. I haven’t heard from him in 5 days… I don’t call him, and he never calls me unless he’s about to die. So, I am sure he would’ve called me by now… nothing to worry about.  Anyways, his condition is getting worse and his ghetto pharmacy pill count is doubling and tripling every week. For all I know he could be taking up to 8-12 Advils a day now. His liver would give up way before his heart would. This coronary heart bypass surgery may be too much for his pessimistic mind. He may end up suicide after it. He cannot live a day without working… Since there is no one to love , socialize, or take care of my dad. He doesn’t know anything but work. I wish I could have been there for him earlier, but it would’ve set me back so far, I would probably still be homeless. It sucks to be selfish in these times, but it is a necessity for my own survival and my own happiness.

I just wish you were here Raz, someone to vent to, give me constructive feedback, run away with, watch sunsets with, and get fat with. I think my dad would love to live, if he had met you in person, and if you were still alive of course. I showed him a video of you and I… the one of us in Dallas… To my surprise he couldn’t stop watching it.. I guess because I’ve seen it so many times I know what is coming up… but he was just glued on it. It wasn’t my greatest video creation but it was still something. It’s almost like he was entranced by my creation, that i was able to produce something, and create a happy aura that projects out of the screen and into his own brain. Maybe he was trying to understand how happy I must’ve been with her.

I miss you, sometimes I can’t wait to see you.

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Table “top” Mountain – Oroville, CA

A little taste of real life

It’s weird. Whenever I feel like writing. I’m not writing. Instead I’m constantly thinking of amazing ideas, philosophy, and other things. When I get to this computer. I draw a blank. Nothing at all. All I know is that in the recent times, memory has been fading me. Quite frankly I feel as though I cannot remember much at all. Depression makes you want to forget everything. Stress makes you think about the same things over and over until they don’t exist anymore.

Today is the day you passed – RL

Wow, hi love!

Today is the day you passed away. I can’t believe I’m writing to you on a laptop I just bought. Materialistic things tend to bother me more and more now. I just wish i wasn’t so stubborn. I wish you were able to see my dad, maybe he would’ve changed his habits because you are like a life changing angel.

I am going to come visit you today, I am super excited to see your Lambo and Beach house tombstone. I think it’s the coolest thing I’ve ever seen, I mean you can’t beat a whole castle as a tombstone , but still – pretty dope.

I know you may not have been watching over me lately, and it’s probably because i’ve been a bad person. Just like before I met you, I always wanted to be surrounded by females whether they were into me or not. Sometimes I break their hearts, but I really don’t try to do it on purpose. Life has been difficult lately, and i wish you were here to split the pain with me, but who am I to ask for so much. My dad’s condition is getting worse, and he has no way to pay for the cost to fix it. His pill counts almost double every week, and soon he may close to damaging his liver. I really wish I could do more in a shorter amount of time, but my priorities have always been crazy.

I have to find you a sunflower today… I don’t think i’ll be getting you balloons again but i brought you hot cheetos this time. Ill even eat some of it with you.

Anyways im still in san jose, and I have to see dad and make sure he is drinking water. Then i have to workout, and find you a sunflower… its 11:58am right now, and it takes about 3 hours to see you, i just hope i have enough time to see you before sunset. You always knew i was bad with time management, and you knew that if you followed me around all the time, I wouldn’t have any excuses to not spend time with you. I think I appreciated that the most…

I love you , see you soon.

The mind is such a precious thing.

People want things they can’t have, even if the world is given to them they are unable to realize it’s value. I can give things people dream of, emotionally, to a single person, yet they are looking through a glass window for the next best thing. I never had the next best thing. I used to always look for the next best thing. It wasn’t until I opened my eyes and let go of my ego just enough that I could see all the love around me. The guilt I have to pay for , for deserting so many woman. For breaking their hearts, and leaving them for others after progressively leading them on. Giving them the hope that they can be with me in extended periods of times. Only to be fooled by mischievous intentions. I love sex, I love giving, I love making, and then I love the new best thing. 

Another thing people don’t understand is that, you will always want the new best thing. So you give up your current best thing. Little do you know that person you let go or thing may have been the real best thing. 

You swallow this pain, and you know it’s not the end of the world because the new best thing is waiting just around the corner. So, go ahead and cage yourself in this prison. Because I already broke free of it. 

I met a girl today.

She’s super cool, I love all sorts of things about her. However, there are implications. She’s young, which means she wants to explore with as many people as she can before she has to be tied down. She also doesn’t like spicy food , which is something I can live with. She matched on tinder with my room mate. This is where it gets odd. Cause my roommate tried to have sex with her but was cock blocked by MJ making her sick. Good thing about seeing her is that it sparked my memory that we had matched months ago. Liked a couple photos on instagram and she messages me barely realizing who I was. We meet again(without my room mate knowing) and she has so many cool traits about her, that is unlike hundreds of girls I’ve met before. Not saying all girls suck, just saying I prefer certain things like, being driven, be independent, and so forth. The last implication is that, if I fall for this girl. I would totally have my heart broken into pieces. Do I save myself from danger , or do I risk it all and the possibility of losing the trust of my room mate? We’ve all been here before and we all know what we choose. How do I win?

My daily morning 

Everyday I wake up, feeling amazingly pissed off. Why did I sleep so long, why am I still laying here. Is the doctors diagnoses of me having narcolepsy real? I don’t know, but I do know after laying around for a couple hours till the afternoon. I feel motivated , driven, angry, but yet, I let this drive fade. Like it’s unwanted. I always tell myself I want this drive. When I get it… I look passed it as a burden. I can’t even utilize my own abilities. I must utilize this opportunity.