Today is the day they let you go – RL

Hey my love…

Your sister Sarah just told me “just want to let you know that Dr can’t do nothing for ras no more…we are releasing her free today. Sorry you had to find out like this.”

It hasn’t hit me yet. I know I’m going to cry… I know I’m going to be in pain. I feel it coming. Yet it hasn’t hit me yet. It’s not a good thing that you’re leaving me. I knew there was a chance for you to not make it. I just didn’t think it’d be this soon. I miss you so much already. I didn’t even get to hold your hand while you went through this. In some ways it feels like I’m at fault. I really feel like a horrible person. I hate that we argued about the fact that I didn’t spend enough time communicating with you. I hate myself the most right now. The only thing I can be positive about is that you’re no longer going through all this pain. I don’t know what to do. I feel it more now as I’m writing, but I’m not sure if I should let myself get devoured by sorrow. It’s not what you would have wanted me to do. I know you want more from me, you expect more from me. I couldn’t even say I’m sorry for being a shitty boyfriend. I wish this was all a dream. I wish this was all a horrible fucking dream.

You had taught me many things about life… that I should never be in doubt, to strive go forward, to love and be free of evil, to never wait to see something through, to not be afraid because you only have one life, and it should not be left full of regret. Although I am filled with regret now, I promise to you that I will do everything in my power to not regret my decisions like I had while you were with me. Although I had done some stupid things in my life, I promise to be a better person to myself and to others.

You really loved to travel… to explore and feel one with nature. I never understood it, but I will go and bring you to as many places that I can possibly go. I just hope that you will follow me in your adventures. To help remind me when I slack off. To motivate me when I feel down. You are and always will be my inspiration.

Guess what? I’m about to watch Captain America. You’re the only person that knows my obsession with Chris Evans- no homo. It makes me miss you more. I remember when you first came to visit me. When you handed me my nerf gun after putting the go pro on my chest. I saw the Captain America stickers all over it. It made me so happy, you really are the best and I miss you. You’ve always done these little things, but I notice them. I really did wish you could watch the movie with me.

 

Love you,

Your love thanh.

So much shit so little time_

So I picked up a book, the Subtle art of not giving a F*ck. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard because any book before. I have that short attention span of a kid with a spoon in his mouth for the last 5 minutes as hes starting off looking at the branch scratching the kitchen window.  Still though, it sure is one hell of a laugh.

I was able to talk to Raz… through the medium, we’ll go with her code name, hillary freitas. She’s pretty damn good, and she said somethings that even surprise me. It was nice to know that Raz could understand and feel that I swallowed by my regret of not being able to see her. But the reality of situation according to the Medium, was that if I had came and seen her. It would’ve been a lot harder for Raz to move on with her soul/spirit into the the next life/dimension. This was very interesting to me because she was still able to talk to Raz even though its been a year. I believe that frequency can follow on and be transmitted indefinitely . Much like our minds are linked to everything we are surrounded with, we are just unaware and unable to consciously understand or hear it.

This whole medium psychic thing has me on a trip of the century. A lot of things don’t add up, and when they do it always point to one thing.. something spiritual. 

What makes things more confusing is that every story she ever told me started to make sense as we soon find out that her ex husband is lost in Lake Tahoe… he went kayaking, but despite having two kids that he alone has to take care of and a storm coming in, he still persisted to kayak out to meet his friends. His friends didn’t Kayak with him in better judgement. Later to find out that she remember there was an evil spirit that came to her in her dream when she had first moved into her house. She blessed the house and rid the spirit, however it caused the spirit to give her a night mare which made a lot of sense. This evil spirit has said , ” you Fuck with my family, now I’ll fuck with yours.” And this is when I realized… I am risking my life for this girl if I stick around and fall in love with her. No matter how godly her aura and energy is… my human mind cannot fully grasp the concept of unconditional love.

She cried to me that morning, and I didn’t know what to do. What would you do? When someone wakes you up crying telling you that the father to her son is missing. It started the day before that she told me, and the whole previous day she kept getting sick and a nauseous .. much like someone would if they had drowned or barely survived from swimming out of an undercurrent. I thought that it was just her cancer, or antibiotic that she had been taking- this was much worse. 

I am now stuck in a dilemma.. do I help her, drive her to Tahoe, and be selfless.. or do I be selfish and enjoy my birthday, meet all my friends, and go on a couple dates with really interesting girls. As much I wanted to help, I become numb, and something had taken over me as it did in the past with her. I concluded that it was the spirit that is doing anything in its power to interfere with here capabilities of saving her family. This spirit was able to even get her ex to sell her car illegally, hide her parking tickets of for her extra car, and having her babysitter become a possessed obsessive human being over her son; in over jealousy, which caused her to park her extra car in an illegal parking spot so that it could get towed away. On top of that, causing her to pay multiple thousands of dollars in which she did not currently have. And this all happened within a month. 

I was drawn to her by energy that I could not explain, and her aura of helplessness had poured all over me. I drank for my bday and it made me feel 1000x worse that I had not helped her. This day will haunt me forever. 

Uncategorized _ Traveling is not what I expected _

Thinking is like a bomb, and this bomb’s fuse is missing.  My brain cannot fathom it’s own fuse to create anymore. A little like dreaming a black curtain waving back and forth, never to reveal its secrets. My memory is but a faded glass, as I get older… the more smothered and dissonant it becomes.

Traveling has been not what I expected. No one is able to keep my mind off of things. And the girl I had once feelings for back at home has already moved on back to her own past.  In reality, I was really nothing to her just an object to chase. I already knew that was the case, I felt it in her lips as I kissed her before I left. She was in a hurry, but she knew it would be a long time before she would see me. She gave me a short kiss. That only meant one thing, bitter sweet good bye. I am okay with it, and she already planned it. No need to feel certain ways with people that you may never see again, or think about again. She is distant, just like my faded memories, and she is creating more dissonance.

Traveling has not been what I expected. I am sitting here on a bunk bed right where Raz would have laid if she were still alive, but we don’t think about that stuff. I can feel it in the air around the family, every time we eat, every time we are all together. They are thinking about Raz, they are thinking about how happy she would be to enjoy all this food… with her family… and with me. How happy would I be? That is something no one cares about until you’re dead. How do you feel?

Traveling has not been what I expected.   I’ve been trying to help my father get sorted out with his health care and life insurance. I even tried to get him to drink more water. I haven’t heard from him in 5 days… I don’t call him, and he never calls me unless he’s about to die. So, I am sure he would’ve called me by now… nothing to worry about.  Anyways, his condition is getting worse and his ghetto pharmacy pill count is doubling and tripling every week. For all I know he could be taking up to 8-12 Advils a day now. His liver would give up way before his heart would. This coronary heart bypass surgery may be too much for his pessimistic mind. He may end up suicide after it. He cannot live a day without working… Since there is no one to love , socialize, or take care of my dad. He doesn’t know anything but work. I wish I could have been there for him earlier, but it would’ve set me back so far, I would probably still be homeless. It sucks to be selfish in these times, but it is a necessity for my own survival and my own happiness.

I just wish you were here Raz, someone to vent to, give me constructive feedback, run away with, watch sunsets with, and get fat with. I think my dad would love to live, if he had met you in person, and if you were still alive of course. I showed him a video of you and I… the one of us in Dallas… To my surprise he couldn’t stop watching it.. I guess because I’ve seen it so many times I know what is coming up… but he was just glued on it. It wasn’t my greatest video creation but it was still something. It’s almost like he was entranced by my creation, that i was able to produce something, and create a happy aura that projects out of the screen and into his own brain. Maybe he was trying to understand how happy I must’ve been with her.

I miss you, sometimes I can’t wait to see you.

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Table “top” Mountain – Oroville, CA

A little taste of real life

It’s weird. Whenever I feel like writing. I’m not writing. Instead I’m constantly thinking of amazing ideas, philosophy, and other things. When I get to this computer. I draw a blank. Nothing at all. All I know is that in the recent times, memory has been fading me. Quite frankly I feel as though I cannot remember much at all. Depression makes you want to forget everything. Stress makes you think about the same things over and over until they don’t exist anymore.

Today is the day you passed – RL

Wow, hi love!

Today is the day you passed away. I can’t believe I’m writing to you on a laptop I just bought. Materialistic things tend to bother me more and more now. I just wish i wasn’t so stubborn. I wish you were able to see my dad, maybe he would’ve changed his habits because you are like a life changing angel.

I am going to come visit you today, I am super excited to see your Lambo and Beach house tombstone. I think it’s the coolest thing I’ve ever seen, I mean you can’t beat a whole castle as a tombstone , but still – pretty dope.

I know you may not have been watching over me lately, and it’s probably because i’ve been a bad person. Just like before I met you, I always wanted to be surrounded by females whether they were into me or not. Sometimes I break their hearts, but I really don’t try to do it on purpose. Life has been difficult lately, and i wish you were here to split the pain with me, but who am I to ask for so much. My dad’s condition is getting worse, and he has no way to pay for the cost to fix it. His pill counts almost double every week, and soon he may close to damaging his liver. I really wish I could do more in a shorter amount of time, but my priorities have always been crazy.

I have to find you a sunflower today… I don’t think i’ll be getting you balloons again but i brought you hot cheetos this time. Ill even eat some of it with you.

Anyways im still in san jose, and I have to see dad and make sure he is drinking water. Then i have to workout, and find you a sunflower… its 11:58am right now, and it takes about 3 hours to see you, i just hope i have enough time to see you before sunset. You always knew i was bad with time management, and you knew that if you followed me around all the time, I wouldn’t have any excuses to not spend time with you. I think I appreciated that the most…

I love you , see you soon.

The mind is such a precious thing.

People want things they can’t have, even if the world is given to them they are unable to realize it’s value. I can give things people dream of, emotionally, to a single person, yet they are looking through a glass window for the next best thing. I never had the next best thing. I used to always look for the next best thing. It wasn’t until I opened my eyes and let go of my ego just enough that I could see all the love around me. The guilt I have to pay for , for deserting so many woman. For breaking their hearts, and leaving them for others after progressively leading them on. Giving them the hope that they can be with me in extended periods of times. Only to be fooled by mischievous intentions. I love sex, I love giving, I love making, and then I love the new best thing. 

Another thing people don’t understand is that, you will always want the new best thing. So you give up your current best thing. Little do you know that person you let go or thing may have been the real best thing. 

You swallow this pain, and you know it’s not the end of the world because the new best thing is waiting just around the corner. So, go ahead and cage yourself in this prison. Because I already broke free of it. 

I met a girl today.

She’s super cool, I love all sorts of things about her. However, there are implications. She’s young, which means she wants to explore with as many people as she can before she has to be tied down. She also doesn’t like spicy food , which is something I can live with. She matched on tinder with my room mate. This is where it gets odd. Cause my roommate tried to have sex with her but was cock blocked by MJ making her sick. Good thing about seeing her is that it sparked my memory that we had matched months ago. Liked a couple photos on instagram and she messages me barely realizing who I was. We meet again(without my room mate knowing) and she has so many cool traits about her, that is unlike hundreds of girls I’ve met before. Not saying all girls suck, just saying I prefer certain things like, being driven, be independent, and so forth. The last implication is that, if I fall for this girl. I would totally have my heart broken into pieces. Do I save myself from danger , or do I risk it all and the possibility of losing the trust of my room mate? We’ve all been here before and we all know what we choose. How do I win?

My daily morning 

Everyday I wake up, feeling amazingly pissed off. Why did I sleep so long, why am I still laying here. Is the doctors diagnoses of me having narcolepsy real? I don’t know, but I do know after laying around for a couple hours till the afternoon. I feel motivated , driven, angry, but yet, I let this drive fade. Like it’s unwanted. I always tell myself I want this drive. When I get it… I look passed it as a burden. I can’t even utilize my own abilities. I must utilize this opportunity.